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Hello world, last week I shared with you all my feelings and opinions regarding marriage and if I were a husband. Well, I want to continue those thoughts and discuss my aspirations of raising a son. Oddly enough, I have the desire to become a father some day. However, my fear in this area is greater than the possibility of loving a woman. Life can be cruel, sometimes I fear bringing a son into this world for those reasons alone. Another source for my alarm is because I was not raised to become the man I believe myself to be today. Well, at least not until I entered the foster care system at the age of thirteen and was taught about life by different care-givers. Before then, I was weighing and cooking crack cocaine for my biological father. He taught me how to be a hustler and even more so how to read people and control my emotions during times of conflict associated with living in a dope house.
An older friend of mine recently became a grandfather. When he showed me photos of him holding his grandson I asked him what type of emotions he felt. He told me that he was proud and that his own son looked identical to his newborn grandson. Other friends of mine have told me that they feel this profound sense of purpose and life changes for them immediately. I have been told that one's own purpose changes and personal desires take a back seat to being a parent. In other situations, I have spoken with acquaintances that have multiple children who cannot even remember their birthdays because they have no desire to communicate with them and leave responsibility to the mother.
If I had a son, I would like to teach him how to tie his shoelaces and not to fear attempting new experiences. I hope that I have the ability to persuade my child to be confident in himself and not to fear judgment from any human being. I think education is the key to success in all areas of life. In spite of my biological father not helping me progress academically, I would support my son in all areas of his academics. When my biological father would encourage me to sell dope I would recall the people who came to my house to obtain crack. They were often times pregnant or so engrossed within their addiction that all feminine or masculine characteristics were non-existent. They were simply "base-heads" and not even thought of as human beings by the persons selling them drugs.
I could not teach my son how to solicit women for personal gain, although that was the foundation of my biological father's hustle. It scares me, because ultimately, the rearing of your child comes down to that child accepting your direction. I accepted the direction of my biological father even though I felt the apprehension that later allowed me to formulate my own path.
If I had a son, I would teach him to understand the threat of man and to pursue the positive energy within himself. I would teach him to recognize his own negative desires that could lead to ill behaviors and hopefully develop the type of strength to overcome those desires. I would teach him to pursue perfection yet to understand that perfection is not one hundred percent of any goal and his own character within that pursuit is more important than personal gain.
Hopefully my direction will be followed and my son will become the type of man that is positive and respectful of himself. Then, with great optimism, he will pursue life with a pure intent to love and eventually create another life of his own to raise.
I often think that having love in my life will not happen, thus I will not enjoy the truest intentions of procreation. Yet, these articles allow me to explore thoughts and desires that I do not express daily. However, they are my truest wants. I say this because as human beings we are granted abilities and powers that we often never express fully! As corny as this my sound, we have the ability to create life and with that life, rear it to create a better existence for all people. I am trying to do just that! Even though my biological father's thoughts and intentions were negatively altered by poor decisions and drug use, I have broken that cycle and maybe some day I will have a son who will achieve the positive of life in his own right, what ever that might be!Â