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Hello world, the situation I will discuss with you all this week is a major debate for me. Should I pursue a relationship with my biological father, "Thomas"? Just a few months ago I received a phone call from a woman who claimed to be a close friend of his. I was home, in my office, seated in a leopard-upholstered chair gathering my thoughts and looking at the painted quote adjacent to my desk. It reads, "FEAR NOT JUDEMENT OR LIFE, WORK OUT, READ AND WRITE". I created this philosophy three years ago and it has done wonders for my psyche.
Anyway, the woman who called spoke franticly, telling me that Thomas was admitted into Veterans Hospital and may have suffered a heart attack. I respectfully questioned the word "May" so as to gain a better understanding of his condition. She deviated from the question and with a scolding-judgmental tone told me that I should forgive Thomas for his past indiscretions and communicate with him.
My first thoughts were she doesn't understand the situation in its entirety: she believes she is helping Thomas. I'm sure she doesn't know the Thomas who taught me how to "rock up" cocaine. Nor the Thomas who told me to go out and earn a drug dealers allowance so as to provide for myself and free him from the responsibility of parenthood.
I called the hospital and spoke with a series of people before being transferred to his bedside phone. At that point I had not spoken to Thomas in years (and haven't since). His voice was strong enough for me to assume he was not on his deathbed. I told him that I received a call regarding him possibly suffering from a heart attack. He spoke again with a joyful tone stating that the doctors had not ruled out a heart attack. I asked him if they knew what his ailment was and he said "no". Through, further conversation I learned that he had been scheduled for release.
Thomas wasted no time in asking me if we could rekindle a father son relationship. Before I answered him I thought of this poem;
Thomas My Father
The love I received from an addict was tainted yet still love
A warped since of given
From a thieves hand and a liars tongue
I knew you wanted to provide for me
Help me grow, watch me succeed
But that drug could not let you be - come a father to me
Within hate, I still love you, within anger, I'm still there
However, I could not die myself allowing us both to despair
You became my father, when you let me go
We are so different yet of the same yoke
You became my father, when your job you could not complete
Knowing your weakness then allowing me to proceed
Your job was given to a man that you choose
Maybe not from a sober mind state, but after a crack pipe toast
I will always love you, as you love me
I am glade I left you, as that drug took you from me
So before you judge with possible anger and several years of non-speak
I respect your gift to let me seek
And now I have become the man you always wanted me to be
The quote painted upon my office wall seemed a little bigger. "FEAR NOT JUDEMENT OR LIFE, WORK OUT, READ AND WRITE". I lifted my chin and asked Thomas what his idea of a "Father Son" relationship entailed? His reply was, "Well, there is not much I can do for you now, you're a grown man". I told him that I could not trust him in my home and that my contact information remains the same and he has always been able to call me. I got the impression that he wanted more.
Should I pursue a relationship with my biological father, "Thomas"?