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One of the most popular pastimes for American women is discussing how men think and feel and then assigning those assumed thoughts and feelings (which are typically detrimental to women) to “all” or “most” men, whether they are real or not.
In fact, this activity is so popular that when those assumed thoughts and feelings are presented to men who recognize them to be false, the women who participate in this grand old American pursuit will argue, rage and attempt to intimidate.
Weak little Nancy boys will simply accept the assumed thoughts and feelings and try hard to act accordingly.
But men who are still men stand up to the assuming women, even in the face of being told that they hate women and/or that they must be gay, which are the only two responses in the absence of any real basis for argument.
One goofy woman emailed me claiming that most men cheat and that women rarely do. When I pressed her for the basis of her claim, she danced around it, giving me the result of four men and a small group of friends, but finally railing against my request for a basis by claiming that she doesn’t have to have one because she’s not a journalist.
Of course, intelligent people want to have a basis for views that they spread to others, but when it comes to relationship issues, the goal for many people, is to spread whatever feels good.
And, of course, as a journalist, I research issues before presenting my position, but most of the foundations I use are readily available to anyone. Yet, many people prefer to argue and spread their unfounded views as though they are valid, simply because they have thoughts.
Instead of acknowledging the difference between what they believe and what is actually in existence, these people want to assert their opinion over anyone’s well-founded position.
For them, the axiom “I think, therefore, I am” becomes “I think therefore it is,” or “I believe, therefore, it’s the truth.”
One of the best responses I’ve ever given to one of the most popular questions occurred at a relationship seminar I conducted. Several of the female audience members wanted to know why men cheat. My response, simple and plain was this: “The same reasons why women cheat.”
My focus is to get more people to deal with the fact that not only do both sides cheat, but even when men cheat, they cheat with a woman. If that woman knows that the man is committed to someone else, then she is also cheating.
Being unfaithful is not and has never been a male phenomenon. Yet, the focus is always on men who cheat, and typically, the speakers are women claiming to know how men think.
Thank God there are still some American women who realize that men know better how men think and feel and that if a woman wants to understand, she would do better to ask men.
And thank God that there are still American women who understand that not everything is a man’s fault.
Like cheating, for example.
American women who pretend that they understand men better than men, also pretend that anytime a man cheats, it is only because all or most men are dogs and cheating is simply what dogs do.
Of course, they come up with various and sundry reasons why women cheat, because, after all, women have “reasons” for bad behavior and men only have “excuses.”
Giving her view of New York Governor Eliot Spitzer’s call-girl crisis, syndicated radio host Dr. Laura Schlessinger asserted that when men cheat, the girlfriends and wives have to take part of the responsibility.
“When the wife does not focus in on the needs and the feelings, sexually, personally, to make him feel like a man, to make him feel like a success, to make him feel like her hero, he’s very susceptible to the charm of some other woman making him feel what he needs,” the popular psychologist and radio personality said on a panel for NBC’s The Today show.
Other panelists (including an anthropologist, no less) and viewers began to dog Dr. Laura for being a traitor to the gender and daring to speak in contradiction to what many women “know” about men. The one male panelist who almost spoke up tried to remain as neutral as possible.
Now, to be fair, Dr. Laura made it clear that Governor Spitzer took the cheating action on his own.
“The cheating was his decision to repair what’s damaged and to feed himself where he’s starving,” she said.
Yet, she was still attacked.
And none of the attackers could present any foundation for their detractions, even though Dr. Laura is a psychologist who was clearly trained to understand interpersonal relationships.
Not only is it silly for unqualified women to argue about why men cheat, but even worse, the detractors are speaking on relationships they were not privy to. Some of these stupid people were actually trying to determine whether the wives of men who cheat were right or wrong for staying by the man’s side.
An outrage was displayed and directed at Governor Spitzer’s wife for choosing to stay by his side through the public debacle.
Funny, but two things stick out brazenly.
1.)If Dr. Laura were saying the same thing to MEN about cheating WOMEN, there would be no outcry.
2.)Why the F are women so outraged? Really, what married women do is none of any other woman’s business. If the wife who was cheated on decides to stay, no one has a right to comment. This kind of “entitlement” to comment on other people’s relationships, without any kind of qualified basis is why relationships are so difficult to maintain. Dr. Laura is a psychologist, but lay people want to argue with her.
Let’s deal with some realities. Many humans decide to step outside of a committed relationship to find what they are not getting inside of it. That is not new. However, what is new is that many American women think it is horribly sinful for a man to cheat, but try to paint a cheating woman as a victim.
Cheating is cheating-by a man or a woman.
Further, too many American women (mostly over 30) have gone far, far overboard with expecting the world from men, but giving nothing. Even in simple dating, many women over thirty are quick to list the things they want, but recoil when a man speaks of his desires or needs.
One response to this has been for fewer women over thirty to get married.
However, when men do marry women who demand everything and give little in return, the relationship runs a short course to disaster.
Men in relationships with these women may find themselves at some point, seeking “everything I miss at home,” to quote an Alexander O’Neal song.
Ask men fresh out of relationships what their chief complaint is and outside of the primary difficulties, the chief complaint is that the woman was unforgiving and was not understanding.
Dr. Laura gets it though: “Yes, I hold women responsible for tossing out perfectly good men by not treating them with the love and kindness and respect and attention they need.”
Of course her position isn’t popular, but it is based in reality.
There is simply too much propaganda spread about how men should treat women, and too little attention paid to how women should treat men.
But the bottom line is that both sides have to focus on treating each other with dignity and respect. And, if one party can not meet the other party’s needs, of course, the end result may be infidelity or abandonment of the relationship, which is not at all gender-based.
Men cheat and so do women. There are myriad reasons, but each individual has his or her own.
As long as American women continue to pretend that cheating is a “man thing,” there will be less understanding and possibly more cheating.
Darryl James n is an award-winning author who is now a filmmaker. He released his first mini-movie, “Crack,” and in Spring of this year, will release his first full-length documentary. James’ latest book, “Bridging The Black Gender Gap,” is the basis of his lectures and seminars. Previous installments of this column can now be viewed at www.bridgecolumn.com. James can be reached at